Tuesday, 24 June 2008

5 weeks along

The condom covered probe moves in my insides, looking for a fetus. I am 5 weeks along and terrified. My HCG is not rising like it's supposed to and I fear I am losing the baby. I called the OB's office in a panic and was told to come in; my second doctor, an obstetrician, looks at my test results. My hormones haven't doubled but have risen some.A handsome man in his early fourties, my obstetrician is not equipped to handle a pregnancy like mine because I am not the garden variety of pregnant woman. The first thing that sets me apart from everyone else is my mentality; most pregnant women get their positive test and then happily await the birth of their baby nine months later and that's as it should be and I am happy for them... Except my innocence was stripped away when I had my first miscarriage and again when I was told I simply could not have a baby without help. Lots and lots of help.

After three years of tests and procedures, my arms remained empty and my heart remained painfully hollow. The longing for a child burned a hole in my being, I could fine no way to close and the word "mommy" left a bitter tasted in my mouth, because that was all I ever wanted to be... a mommy.

In desperation I searched the internet for information and stumbled upon an on-line community that in the months to come, would save my sanity more than once.. Just before I left the house to come to this appointment, I wrote a message, worried about my hormone levels not rising appropriately. Messages of support came my way from all over the world and I am sure they too were waiting with baited breath, to hear the results of this ultrasound.

"I can't find anything in the uterus" the doctor said as the probe still searched my insides after 10 whole minutes, looking for a sign that I was indeed carrying a child, "It's too soon maybe" he reassures, unwilling to give up on this pregnancy whose only signs so far have been about 20 positive pregnancy tests and the results of blood tests.Upon hearing the words, I remember thinking "it's not too early doc. My HCG is over 1000, you should be able to see him by now... " and then tears rose to my eyes but surprisingly it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Had I not believed I was having a baby? Maybe it was too soon for me to bond with him.Or maybe, I somehow knew so I didn't expect too much of this broken body. I couldn't conceive, what on earth made me think I could carry a child?I remember trying very hard not to cry, to be brave, to take it like a trooper. I didn't want to break down in front of the good doctor and then...

"There it is!" exclaimed the OB, a smile lighting his face. I see it too! I can't take my eyes off the monitor as for the first time, I see my baby..
It's a little white blob, unrecognizable as a human being still, floating in a bigger black round ball. It's not technically a baby yet but all the potential is there, all that is required in order for him to become a laughing, wiggling child are there, in that tiny blob.
My tears now fall unchecked but they are tears of joy. My chest shakes as I sob in utter happiness "thank you, thank you" to the doctor who seems to feel a little embarrassed. He is not used to dealing with women like me, infertiles, and this is not a momentous occasion for him. But for me, this is the most momentous occasion ever and unfortunately I know it might not even last.
But for now, right now, I am pregnant and if I can just stay pregnant for 3 more weeks, then the risks of miscarriage will drop to 5%.
I rattle the statistics off to the doctor as he removes the wand from my body and prints off a picture of my fetus. He looks at me with his jaw nearly hanging open; I suppose most of the women he has encountered so far rattle off baby names and pram brands right about now... all I can think off are miscarriage statistics. I so want this to last, but I am not counting on it... this is how infertility changes a woman; I can't think so far into the future, I dare not name the baby or buy him anything just yet. All I want to do is for him to stay alive, for my body to keep him alive so that one day I will be able to hold him and never let go.

I'm pregnant... I am finally pregnant... now if only I can stay that way...